Why Did the Zebra Cross the Road?


Just before my safari trip to Kenya, my friends and colleagues felt the need to share their unsolicited warnings and comments with me. So courtesy of their ‘kind’ words,here is a list of what not to say to people in the 24 hours preceding their trip to Kenya.

  1. Let’s Google tourists who have been eaten by animals in Kenya
  2. Read the safety information because your airline probably crashes a lot
  3. There’s plenty of guns there. Learn to use one before you go
  4. How many diseases do you think you will come back with?
  5. You’ll feel at home with the wildlife

After coming back, I have a more realistic list of what to warn people about

  1. Ladies at the airport who grab your hand and insist you check in their luggage under your name. They might tell you they have a family and therefore have no drugs (because drug traffickers are miraculously born without families). Alternatively they might say “I’m Emirati, you can trust me”. Until that line holds up in a court of law I’m not willing to trust you solely because of your nationality
  2. Fellow aircraft passengers who will place their empty meal trays smack dab in the middle of the aisle. You know, just in case you weren’t actually talented enough to trip on your own
  3. Hotel staff who will want to charge you for malt beers you drank at a bar you didn’t even know existed. In order to convince someone that they sleep walked and sleep drank you will need to do a decent job of forging their signature, and you will have to write as untidily as they do. (See what an immigration official had to say about my writing here)
  4. Roommates who snore loudly enough to scare you more than a hungry roaring lion ever will
  5. Patrons who do not like the sound of wildlife (at a lodge in a wildlife reserve) and will insist that the management get rid of the animals
  6. American men who might sit next to you on your flight home and insist on rectifying your inability to spot North Carolina on a map. And subsequently ask to stay at your home

It’s safe to say people are far scarier than wild beasts. No wonder zebras cross the road when they see people.