Public transport could be improved by removing the public

May 3, 2013

Anybody who uses public transportation on a regular basis knows some spots are more strategic or comfortable than others. For a long journey you will ideally find a spot where you have something to lean on. Unfortunately, some people will go the extra mile to get these spots even if they are already occupied.

I secured a prime spot on my morning commute the other day. In entered a lady with a larger than average backside. Despite there being ample room in the bus, she decided to stand right next to me. Slightly perturbed by the backside firmly wedged into me, I took a small step behind. Seconds later the backside followed. I took another step, and so did she. About 6 baby steps later I realized I no longer had anything to lean against. And sadly that is not the first time that has happened to my average-sized behind.

I’ve seen so many rules about what is not allowed on the buses and metro, but they don’t seem to cover the kind of people I encounter. So based on 100% real experiences I’ve taken the liberty of composing etiquette guidelines for public transit users.

1. Avoid pushing pregnant ladies out of the way to get a seat. Unless of course you are a pregnant lady yourself.

2. Ask for permission before you burp into someone’s hair. Sure, you may have had this really delicious steak that will make her hair smell better, but she might be a vegetarian.

3. Be discreet if you must touch yourself on the subway. Do not ask for assistance no matter how willing she looks.

4. Use deodorant on the dead dogs you wish to transport. People can turn away to not look at it, but it’s a lot harder to get away from the smell.

5. Take your nail clippings with you when you leave. Unless the person about to sit on them has just burped in your hair.

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