Parenting Tips from a Non-Parent
From spending copious amounts of time on the internet it has become apparent that people with children often have no idea about parenting, but people who do not have kids have no shortage of child rearing strategies. So I would like to help out clueless parents as well as my future self with parenting tips.
1. To prevent your child from throwing a temper tantrum in a candy store you must convince them that candy in fact tastes terrible. For the first 3 years of their life, coat every sweet they eat with something extremely bitter or sour.
2. In order to teach them to not touch things with sticky fingers, place honey on the wheels of one of their toys to demonstrate the effects of stickiness. They will realise stickiness is evil and always wash their hands.
3. Teach them not to yank tails of animals by attaching a makeshift tail to them and allowing a sibling to yank on it as frequently as they like. If this results in bullying, see #8.
4. Tell them their bed time is an hour earlier than you think it should be so that they think you are being nice by letting them stay up for an extra hour.
5. The trick to getting them to do their homework is to coordinate with their teachers. Film their teacher yelling and play it back for your child the next time they don’t feel like doing an assignment.
6. If your kids don’t clean up their mess when you ask them to, gift them a beautifully wrapped empty Lego box. Give them a piece for every 3 hours they go without making a mess. If your kids are exceptionally messy you might want to place a picture of yourself with the completed Lego model inside the box.
7. If your child cannot sit still, duct tape him to a chair. If he gets up with the chair attached to him, duct tape the chair to the ground.
8. If your child bullies a younger sibling, get him an unhappy meal. By this I mean buy the younger sibling a Happy Meal and provide the bully with food he does not like in Happy Meal box with the prefix ‘un’ added in marker.
Please note that I accept no responsibility if these helpful pieces of advice do not work on your children.
I so wish people with kids around me would do this… Their kids keep coming to my house and either pulling on my dogs tail or teeth or feet (how is it a good idea to pull on a 1 inch canine of a dog you’ve just met?) Or trying to lift up my guinea pig and breaking her bones…
I can’t believe there are kids silly enough to pull on teeth… that’s just asking to be bitten.
I know! He’s tolerant to kids pulling on his ears and such, but when one kid actually started pulling on his teeth, that was the last straw. How understanding were the parents going to be when I told them their kid got bitten because he deserved it?
You’d be surprised by parents! I remember telling my mother my teacher had slapped me across the face when I was a teenager and she didn’t ask me why. She simply said I must have deserved it!
Ah.. that must’ve been rough. When I complained that my teacher in kindergarten had pinched me, my mother threatened to lodge a police complaint.. granted that the teacher had made me bleed from three places, but a simple suspension would’ve sufficed..
Holy shit! What part of the world did you go to school in? I can’t imagine that being okay in most parts of the world.
India… and the teacher was sacked I think. Everytime anyone even mentions her, my family explodes in a big red ball of fiery rage.. I don’t remember much though, since I was just 4. I’ve never been very serious about it. It’s easy to get an OMG! WHAT?! reaction from people..:-p
I have a few friends who have been to school in India. There have been stories about being hit with canes and belts. Downright scary.
Have you heard stories of girls being hit with a mike? Enough to bleed?
Let’s just say some Indian schools are terrifying places that are not meant for children.
Wow which part of India did this happen in?
Remote part on the border of Maharashtra and Goa.. tiny place called Sindhudurg, which had a tiny village/town named Oras.. I think there were 2000 people living there max.
My mom tried the time one…when I learned to tell time, and she didn’t know that yet, I remember thinking she couldn’t get it right, and so best not tell her the real time lest she feel silly.
Haha I think I will try that once I have kids
I like the gift-wrapped Lego idea…genius.
Lots of good ideas here….now how do we get them passed around to the appropriate people?
🙂 I guess you are going to have to reblog this and share on Facebook
I think #6 is one of the best things I have ever read!
If you decide to try it let me know how it works out 🙂
Where has this list been for the past 11 years, and how have I survived without it?
I had to wait until I was too old for my parents to try these things on me!
Any way to prevent kids from howling non-stop on flights?! As a non-parent, that’s one of my biggest pet peeves. Read an April fools day hoax once about an airline that proudly announced the introduction of their 18+ adult only flights?!
I’m not particularly fond of those crying kids either but it turns out parents get really angry if you walk towards their kids with duct tape….
On the bright side Air Asia really does have child free zones on some sectors!
Oooh really?! I must check that out!! 😉
Pity about the duck tape though… (hehe!)
Oh, this almost makes me want to have kids!! 🙂 Hilarious! And mean 🙂
It’s not mean until you quote Bill Cosby to your kids and say ‘I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it’.
Yes, I like that too – guess I shouldn’t be a mother 😉
But parenthood would provide excellent material for your blog…
My keyboard would be all sticky 😉
See tip #2
Great advice! I particularly like the idea of an Unhappy Meal. You’re a genius!
Please tell me you have kids to try this idea out on!