Parenting Tips from a Non-Parent

baby watermelon

From spending copious amounts of time on the internet it has become apparent that people with children often have no idea about parenting, but people who do not have kids have no shortage of child rearing strategies. So I would like to help out clueless parents as well as my future self with parenting tips.

1. To prevent your child from throwing a temper tantrum in a candy store you must convince them that candy in fact tastes terrible. For the first 3 years of their life, coat every sweet they eat with something extremely bitter or sour.

2. In order to teach them to not touch things with sticky fingers, place honey on the wheels of one of their toys to demonstrate the effects of stickiness. They will realise stickiness is evil and always wash their hands.

3. Teach them not to yank tails of animals by attaching a makeshift tail to them and allowing a sibling to yank on it as frequently as they like. If this results in bullying, see #8.

4. Tell them their bed time is an hour earlier than you think it should be so that they think you are being nice by letting them stay up for an extra hour.

5. The trick to getting them to do their homework is to coordinate with their teachers. Film their teacher yelling and play it back for your child the next time they don’t feel like doing an assignment.

6. If your kids don’t clean up their mess when you ask them to, gift them a beautifully wrapped empty Lego box. Give them a piece for every 3 hours they go without making a mess. If your kids are exceptionally messy you might want to place a picture of yourself with the completed Lego model inside the box.

7. If your child cannot sit still, duct tape him to a chair. If he gets up with the chair attached to him, duct tape the chair to the ground.

8.  If your child bullies a younger sibling, get him an unhappy meal. By this I mean buy the younger sibling a Happy Meal and provide the bully with food he does not like in Happy Meal box with the prefix ‘un’ added in marker.

Please note that I accept no responsibility if these helpful pieces of advice do not work on your children.