How to be Australian in 10 Easy Steps
Ask someone in the Northern hemisphere to act Australian and they will probably say something along the lines of “G’day mate! Let’s stick some shrimp on the barbie”. Ask someone in Australia if the stereotype is true and they will scoff at you but still invite you to their backyard for a barbecue because you seem like a worthy mate. Nonetheless, if you really want to pass for Australian you need to do a little more than buy an outdoor grill and call everyone mate. Here are 10 easy steps to follow:
1. Walk barefoot as far as possible, including when you are in other countries. Be oblivious to the looks of astonishment you receive. Real Australians are used to walking upside down so walking barefoot in supermarkets and airports is really no big deal for them.
2. Don’t make faces of disgust when you eat vegemite. Real Australians eat it willingly and in order to blend in you too will need to pretend that it does not smell like donkey excrement.
3. Refuse to drink Fosters beer. That’s right, they export the worst stuff to the rest of the world and keep all the good stuff for themselves. Order Fosters in an Australian bar and you will be ineligible for an Australian passport.
4. Refer to hicks and rednecks as bogans. This group of people is not too different from their American counterparts and are best avoided if you enjoy intellectual conversations.
5. Avoid using words with more than 7 letters. If you must use such words make sure to shorten them. Keep in mind that some abbreviations already exist (Breakfast is brekkie, McDonalds is Maccas and Sandwich is sanga).
6. Act like you know what you are talking about when you order a schooner or a pony at the pub. Looking surprised at the weird names they have for beer sizes is a dead giveaway that you are not from down under.
7. Refer to flip flops as thongs. Refrain from inquiring about where to purchase what the rest of the world calls thongs unless you are keen on having a very awkward conversation.
8. Wear shorts during winter. In fact rainy and windy weather is the best time to wear shorts if you are keen on exhibiting Aussie pride.
9. Do not appear excited when you see kangaroos or koalas. Act like you see them all the time and cannot grasp why they fascinate tourists so much.
10. Keep your jaw from dropping when you see prices on an Australian menu. If you let on that you think USD 25 is too much for a burger that looks like it belongs in a Happy Meal, others will infer that you are opposed to daylight robbery.