An Open Letter to Dentists


Dear dentists,

I can’t help but feel like your job is to terrorize me. First, when you stick those sharp objects in my mouth and lie to me saying that it won’t hurt. And again, when you hand me the bill. When you said ‘open wide’, I did not realize you meant ‘open your wallet wide’.

The other day when I walked out clutching my jaw it wasn’t because of the pain you put me through. It was because I was in shock from seeing what you charged me. I simply don’t understand why you expect so much money for filling in such tiny spaces. If I asked a handyman to fix a hole that size I’m sure he would do it for free. I’d just like to point out the tooth fairy paid me money to take away my teeth. You seem to expect money for doing the very same thing.

My dentist pointed out that I’d gone 3 years without seeing her. In those 3 years I managed to take 10 vacations. Then, in a span of 1 week, she decided to take the same amount of money I spent on my trip to Kenya. Essentially I feel like I’ve been left to choose between travelling and possessing teeth, both of which I love very much.

Now that I actually understand the meaning of the expression ‘million dollar smile’, I wish I had gone to dental school. The return on investment seems phenomenal. The only downside is taking courses such as:

  • How to decay the average man’s income
  • Extracting blood from gums
  • Effective methods to inflict pain

I digress. You are probably wondering what the purpose of this letter is, so I’ll cut to the chase. Will you give me a discount if I agree to marry you?