A Summary of Your Facebook Friends


There may be over 1 billion Facebook users, but almost all of them fall into the 10 categories below:

1. The just got married/had a baby people – The closer you are to thirty, the more friends you will have in this category. Your newsfeed is filled with pictures from weddings and first birthdays. And let us not forget the lengthy declarations about how motherhood is so wonderful.

2. The you have to see what I’m about to eat people – The people who probably do not enjoy eating food as much as they enjoy taking pictures of it. Some of these people probably order food they are allergic to, just because it looks pretty.

3. The I’m always drunk people – You will have more of these friends in your younger twenties. As you approach your thirties, you might see these people posing in the exact same way except they will have swapped the beer bottles for babies. You might also see the occasional picture of someone with a martini in one hand and a toddler in the other.

4. The let me tell you every detail of my life people – You might not have spoken to this person in over 10 years but you are familiar with their pet turtle’s nap routine. If this person has not posted a status update for 2 hours it might be time to file a missing person report.

5. The I’m really passionate about something people – Some of these people are aiming to educate you about important causes like genetically modified food or the war in Syria. Others just want to remind you that you are a terrible person for not sharing their religious beliefs.

6. The addicted to games people – The people who bombard you with requests for extra lives or coins and basically interrupt you when you are playing Candy Crush Saga.

7. The isn’t my cat the cutest in the world people – For some reason dog owners are a lot less obsessed with their pets. Of course the reason we see more cat pictures might be because felines are more likely to perch themselves on your laptop or hide in the fridge.

8. The it’s never enough exercise people – Aside from making you feel guilty about eating 3 candy bars a day, this group is always bombarding your newsfeed with how much they ran or where their next marathon will be.

9. The buy this junk I’m selling people – Everyone has a friend who has fallen victim to a pyramid scheme. In the pre-Facebook era you simply didn’t answer their phone calls. In the Facebook era you don’t read the private messages they send you.

10. The I believe everything I read on the internet people – Some people must genuinely believe that surgeons will refuse to operate on a dying child until they’ve verified that a certain picture got 100,000 likes.